🔗 Share this article

Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.